Wisdom of a College Drop Out (part one)
How did I find myself here?
Long before everyone had a GPS in their phone, you could buy a road atlas at almost any gas station, it had every highway mapped out in detail, I bought one of the United States and one for Canada and would spend hours studying the road, how highways connected, where they led, and a little bit about each small town and city that piqued my curiosity.
When I was in my late teens, I never really wanted to go to college. At best, I was neutral toward the idea but lacked interest in continuing traditional ways of educating myself when I never really did well in public schools. Graduating at the bottom 10% of my class, I found myself taken back when those close to me would state with sincerity “I see you really going places in your life”. I didn’t understand my place and where exactly I fit in. The only reason I ended up at the local community college was because my mom signed me up. It seemed like the logical next step - figure out what I want to do with life and pursue a career path that was in alignment with my interests and personal expression. I ended up taking 3 years of generals in total. By the time I started to get an idea of which direction I wanted for a degree, I went to go see a guidance counselor.
I went in for a meeting to claim my desire and identity with an environmental science degree, I was quickly reminded that I was still studying algebra, that I have never taken a chemistry class in my life, and that realistically.. If I wanted to obtain this degree it would likely take another 4 years minimum - it was also recommended that I go back to taking adderall to help me focus. You could imagine the heartbreak of being well into my third year to get this news. In the year leading up to this, I had made the decision to get myself off all pharmaceutical drugs, including adderall. At that point in my life I had been on a mix of amphetamine salts as a tool for focus and learning for 11-12 years, through most of my late childhood, adolescence, and into my young adulthood - my primary developmental years. I left that meeting at the guidance counselor’s office know that I would not be returning for another 4 years minimum, or even for another semester. I started to map my route…
At this point, I felt I needed a reset from all the expectations I fed into, all the pretending of trying to be myself and yet still wanting to be accepted by people who were clearly on a different life path from myself. When I transferred to University I took a tax return that was around $1,000 and started a small business outside of class that paid my rent, my food, and other expenses. It was enough to pay my tuition in full, my first time not taking on a student loan. When the semester concluded, I had close to 20k in savings so I bought a greyhound bus ticket to visit a love interest who moved to Missoula, MT a year before.
I could write a whole blog about my adventures of going out west on a greyhound, officially breaking up with said love interest, catching greyhounds down into idaho and finding myself down the salmon river camped beneath the sawtooth mountains day dreaming of what was to come… Keeping the details to a minimum, though. I met an old and grey couple at some hotsprings down the Lolo pass who invited me over to visit their property in the woods. I wish I could remember their names, but the man had casually mentioned a town in Alaska with a temperate climate. Homer, Alaska. I took this as a curiosity and as a sign to dig back into the atlas and see what it would take to venture off into the biggest initiation I had taken at this point in my life.
A photo taken of me moments before hitting the road..
The summer leading up to my departure, Relix magazine dropped an article on pronoia. Pronoia is a belief that the universe is conspiring in ones favor. I accepted this idea and brought it into my developing identity as a young adult.
Having just turned 21, I paid off all my debts, bought a car, and adopted the sweetest dog the earth has ever known. I claimed it, I’m moving up to Alaska, I’m going to spend a whole year there while I figure “it” out. I’ll never forget my dad saying “I don’t know why you are trying to figure ‘it’ out, I am in my 50’s and I’m still trying to figure ‘it’ out”. After an epic summer with good music, good friend’s, and good lovin’ I set off on the autumnal equinox of 2008. I have to admit, even though I was driven by a passion for adventure, there was a rebel that just wanted to push against expectations and see how I could take a road less traveled. Around the time Occupy Wall Street took to the financial district in NYC, I set off on my own adventure far away from the beginning stages of a building economic recession.
I spent about 12 hours a day driving through Canada to get to the border, after passing I connected the road that would eventually end in the town I would soon call home. I will never forget when I drove over that hilltop and was greeted by a big welcome sign following by sweeping views of fireweed, evergreen trees, tall snow capped peaks, ocean water and sparse buildings that made up a town of less than 6,000 people. The drive I took up the hill to my new home was absolutely stunning. Although considered the last frontier, to me it seemed like the beginning of something magnificent.
The first 2 months I spent in this new town was like an extended vacation - I allowed myself to completely disconnect from the clock, move slow, and rest when I needed. I spent a lot of time hiking in the forest and trailing the shorelines of the beach, breathing in deep - crisp, cool air. This was incredibly helpful to be in the quiet and stillness of the wild surroundings I found myself a part of. I found myself constantly in awe of the beauty of the natural world. Ellie, my four legged friend encouraged me to be getting out as often as possible.
This sounds like it could be an endless vacation, however I didn’t plan for living expenses and by the time I started to look for a job in the town, it dawned on me that winter time gigs are reserved for locals. My resume didn’t get me very far and my interview skills were subpar at best. I was still quite timid at this point in my life and was honestly still trying to be something that I wasn’t just for the sake of getting a job. As winter closed in, I found myself in quite a predicament… I was getting down to my last $1,000 and my rent for the room I was renting was half of that. When you make it to the end of the road, basic living expenses are much more expensive as they are shipped in from quite a distance away. Regular groceries and gas were more than I had planned for. On top of that, the man that was in charge of managing the “lodge” I was renting the room in was quite a mess and had horrible problems with alcohol.
After a night of calling in an ambulance for him, I decided that was sign enough for me to move to a new place. In town, there was a church called “the refuge chapel” that ran and all mens bunk in the basement. I scheduled a meeting to see if it was possible for me to stay some months while I figured out how to get on my feet. My biggest barrier to acceptance was that they usually don’t allow pets, after meeting Ellie though, they did make an exception for us and within a very short period of time, around thanksgiving, I was living in a homeless shelter. This gave me some wiggle room as they were still charging me money to live there but gave me the opportunity to volunteer at the local food shelf with hourly credit toward my rent. This began my community involvement and getting established as somebody who is a wintertime resident in the town.
At this point, I probably could have called my mom and explained my situation and asked her to buy me a flight home for the holidays. I could have sold my car and left. However, when I was studying the road atlas and looking at all the journey it would take to arrive at this very obscure town, I made a commitment to myself: If I’m going to do this, I am going to do this no matter what. I will live in Alaska for at least one full year without leaving. I will figure this out for myself. If I can do this, I can do anything. I let this be my North Star, my challenge, my initiation. See what I have within me to figure myself through this situation.
Over the course of 5 months through the winter, I lived in the basement of a church, I interfaced with many characters - most of whom had something they were running from. I got myself a job on the docks offloading fishing boats. When Christmas rolled around I received some mail. My mom sent me a book for Christmas: “Law of attraction for dummies” - So I studied a bit and took notes on how I might be able to figure myself out of this situation. I dreamed of times I would have money flow into my life effortlessly. I journaled, meditated, continued to find connection to myself and observed my surroundings. I really took on what it meant to be pronoid.
As the story progresses, A lot of magic in synchronicity illuminates the path. Keep an eye out for the second and possibly third section to this story~